I have considered writing a review up for the infamous Batman and Robin film for a while, but I don't think we could get much better than the Nostalgia Critic's review. Well maybe, but being as big a fan as I am, I'd probably end up just ripping him off. However, I was watching it the other day and I thought to myself, "My god, this is even worse than the last time I watched it. God help me I love it."
Unlike One More Day, Batman Robin is an Epic Fail which can be enjoyed. The film is bad for sure, but it's also endlessly entertaining. I realised that although many people find it so bad it's good, I don't think anyone has actually reviewed the film in a positive light (
with admittedly, VERY good reason) So that's why I invite your to my first Positively Dreadful Review.
The film starts out with the Warner Bros logo morphing into the Bat signal, then freezing. This continues the element of the series of obscuring the signal in some way. The first film, it was normal, second, it had a dash of snow, third it was part of a Question Mark, and now it's fully frozen over.
The actual movie begins with the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney and Chris O'Donnel) suiting up for their latest act of heroics.
Most (
including me) will be put of by the extreme close up shots of their asses, bat nipples and over stuffed crotches, but infamous director Joel Schumacher had an admittedly good reason for this. The suits were inspired by greek sculptures of their greatest heroes. By doing this, they give the duo a more 'powerful' presence. I may also mention that a factor in the decision is that Schumacher is openly gay, but the greek god thing sounds more dignified.
After this we see the team's awesome vehicles, the new Batmobile and the Redbird. In Tim Burton's Batman, these would have been silly, in this film, they become cool.
I may mention however that the fact that it has no roof is stupid on a few levels.
After they leave, we get the first glimpse of Alfred's ailment. Michael Gough is widely agreed to supply us with an excellent performance in an otherwise awful picture.
We then see Gotham in all it's glory. I theorise that Gotham City was built by a team of mad architects (
considering it's GOTHAM City, this is actually quite likely) because it looks bizarre! And I love it! In this film, Gotham City is an abract painting, with impossibly high skyscrapers, large statues of bare chested men (
Greek Gods are dignified!) and generally insane architecture. This helps to paint the film an unusual, but enjoyable atmosphere.
Mr. Freeze (
AAAAAHHHHNOOOOOOLD!) is stealing a diamond from the mueseum with his gang of irate hockey players. Freeze is dressed in a heavy suit of body armour that increased his strength, endurance, and keeps him alive due to his genetics need for intense cold. Admit it, if this wasn't a Batman film, you'd think this suit looks cool. Campy yes. Cool, definately.
Arnold also technically dosn't give a bad performance. The problem? Bad writing. The moments when he isn't hurling ice puns show that this could have potentially been a great performance. However, the puns may be extremely cheesy, but chances are, if you were shooting at people with an ice gun, you'd do the same. I can imagine that Arnie had a blast in those scenes, I know I would have.
Since this is a positive review of a bad movie, I am going to over analyse on as much as possible. Freeze has been mutated in his attempts to save his wife from MacGregor's Syndrome, into a being that needs cold to survive. If we assume that he turned to crime due to unseen or unexplained events before the film, he has gone a little mad. He knows that even if he cures his wife, things will never be the same. He knows she will not recognise this psychotic blue criminal as her husband, but continues out of his undying love. To avoid a major breakdown, he embraces what he has become, hurling puns of every kind left and right, fooling himself into believing this is what he wants to be.
Wow. I need to go outside at some stage.
So then the group battles it out for a while, eventually forcing Freeze to launch him and Batman into the sky using a rocket inside his Freezemobile (
Which is also fairly cool).
Freeze escapes with a glider, and trusts that Batman can escape the nuclear bomb before it hits the ground. With Robin's help, he's right, and they blow it up before it comes anywhere close to the ground.
Then we get one of the awesomest things you will see in a Batman movie: Batman and Robin surfing through the sky on doors of an exploding nuclear rocket. In Burton's films, this would be stupid. In the comics, this would be awesome. It is as such here.
They chase Freeze into a building where Robin's eagerness works against him and gets him frozen solid. Freeze gives Batman a choice between chasing after him and defrosting his partner. Obviously, he chooses Robin, and Freeze gets away. Some find this a Wallbanger, considering that he could have killed Batman right there and then. Let's take a moment to overanalyse that too.
Freeze recognises Batman as a worthy opponent, and a hero. Not being a complete monster, Freeze allows Batman to live on and save more lives.
Also, people complain that Robin is fine when he's unthawed despite only having eleven minutes to live. He was frozen for one minute at best, and just because he instantly asks "Did we get him?" does not mean he's fine. It means he's focussed on catching Freeze.
I also like this scene because it is one of few pure 'Superhero Fights' in cinema. This is what I think of when I think of a campy superhero vs. a campy supervillain. The next closest thing I can think of is Spider-Man vs. Green Goblin, and technically that dosn't count because that film was good and actually made it work.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of...African Research? I seriously don't know what the place is actually supposed to be, but it's funded by Wayne Enterprises, Pamela Isley, Uma Thurman, is a nerdy scientsit who is determined to grant plantlife the ability to fend for itself.
Thurman is probably the most unwatchable thing in the film. As a geeky nerd, she plays the character way too over the top to take seriously. For this film that's par the course, but somehow she dosn't possess the same sort of fun Arnold brings.
She complains that her latest experiment has failed, but she still has hope. She has also become annoyed that her fellow scientist, Jason Woodrue (
The Floronic Man, as he is known in the comics) repeatedly steals away her secret chemical Venom. Upon investigation, we meet Woodrue, who is an over the top mad scientist who is non the less much more enjoyable than Pamela.
He is using Venom to create a super soldier to sell to the highest bidder, including a mysterious mystery bidder who has no significance to the plot at all.
The super soldier he creates, is Bane. Ah, Bane. One of Batman's most infamous enemies, Bane gained his reputation by doing this:
My personal favorite pic of him though? Would be this:
But, this being a live action movie before CGI was perfected, we get this:
Woodrue soon discovers Pamela and offers her partnership if she keeps her mouth shut after explaining that Wayne cut his funding once he discovered how their money was being spent. But she'll have none of it! Woodrue dared to turn her research for the safety of plants into some madcap scheme for World Domination! As opposed to the completely sane and reasonable plan for world domination she will soon be planning. He dosn't take rejection well, so he kills her, crushing her under the weight of her own bubbling lab experiments. Let us give Dr. Woodrue some credit for doing what we've been wanting to do since she was introduced.
Back at the Batcave, the Caped Crusaders appear out of costume with Alfred by their side, doing their research on Freeze. We learn about his tragic backstory, of how his wife contracted MacGregor's syndrome and how he recieved his mutation. This hilariously falls into narm territory when Arnie falls into the chemical bath. To paraphrase him, "Naaargh! Aaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Bat's decides to use the Wayne Diamonds to lure out Freeze, and grows tension between himself and Robin after showing that he disapproves of his reckless behaviour on the field.
One thing you'll notice is that the story with the people is much more watchable for fans than of the one with the heroes. It's still not done that well, but watching that fight with Mr. Freeze, and then watching most of this seen here, I'm seeing two completing different films.
Back with the delightful Dr. Jason Woodrue, he has successfully sold Bane to the mystery bidder and is planning to have him shipped out. However, much to his surprise, Pamela rises from the ground covered in vines. Dammit, and it was just getting good, too! She has been changed by the chemicals and Venom. Her genetic structure has been entirely changed, essentially turning her into a human plant. That, and her clothes and hair have been torn up, making her hot, and into a true Large Ham. In true Poison Ivy fashion, she kisses Woodrue on the lips, giving him a dose of natural poison and killing him.
Pamela then destroys the lab, monologuing about her new lease on life. I know this is supposed to a Positive Review, and I know this is one of the oldest Villain Conventions of all time, but when watching this seen I really just have to ask...who is she talking to? Before the lab is completely wrecked, she remembers about Wayne Enterprises and decides to pay him a visit with a scheme. For the hell of of, she brings Bane along. Apparently Woodrue just lets him walk around the lab now.
Next we return to Freeze, who is in his secret lair of an abandoned Ice Cream factory. The one with the most disturbing head they could find. Inside he forces his minions to sing 'I'm Mister White Christmas,' and quite narmfully wears polar bear slippers and a bathrobe. He is hit on by his beautiful female lacky, Miss...Big Lipped Alligator Moment, as he smokes a cigar. Why is he smoking a cigar? Poor choice on the Director's part. After expositing his plan to his minion Frosty, we get more evidence that the part could have actually been well played had the script been written better as Freeze looks upon his frozen wife, promising that he will soon find a cure. Oh, and he has this plan to freeze Gotham and hold it ransom. I might mention that.
Speaking of ransom...well actually no, not speaking of it at all. I'm terrible at segues, Pamela hears that Bruce is presenting Gotham's new Ultra Telescope, specially designed to view all around the globe, to the public. Using a stolen limo, she has Bane drive her to the observatory. So he can barely talk, but driving a car without crashing is no problem? Must be an effect of the Venom. I may mention that the facility is held up by a statue of a man that could squish Godzilla, more bizarrchitecture! :D After being asked whether or not he plans on proposing to his girlfriend, the first time in a Batfilm where the Girl of the Film wasn't a main character, Pamela shows up. In a surprising twist, her big plan involves no crime at all, merely producing a document listing down all the productions Wayne Enterprises could cancel, almost instantly saving the worlds ecosystem (
Which would be even more surprising if we didn't learn that she killed someone to get that limo) Since cancelling them would kill millions of people, he declines. She then goes on a rant about how mammals are inferior creatures and that a reckoning is coming, making her seem completely insane considering they don't know she isn't a mammal anymore.
But here's what I think. The way she acts seems like she understands everything that is going on. But she dosn't. Since she was revived, aside from the obvious mutations and lust for world domination (
Told you ) she's been experiencing severe Sanity Slippage. She thinks she is intimidating these people with this speech, but it just recieves laughter. She is unable to see what is so funny about the concept of flowers attacking a city protected by the Goddamn Batman and Goshdarned Robin. This would also explain her hammy acting, and who she was talking to earlier.
Bruce gives her an invitation to the Charity Ball, where they will be presenting the Wayne Diamonds in an attempt to draw out Freeze. Batman and Robin will be appearing as the Special Guests. This allows her to bake a new, sinister tactic. She will rid herself of the heroes using her new seductive abilities (
Apparentlt plants turn people into living aphrodisiacs). One has to wonder what would have happened if it turned out Batman and Robin was actually the last names of two women. Probably a lot of fan fiction.
After a touching scene of Freeze watching his old Wedding videos, learning of the Charity Ball, we move onto the ball itself. For some bizarre reason, we have a massive Jungle theme. Why? Because it's outrageously weird, and really, that's what this film is all about. There is bidding for a date with one of three beautiful models dressed as flowers.
Batman and Robin are there and await Freeze's arrival. Isley arrives disguised as large pink gorilla (
Great disguise, Pam) and unveils herself as Poison Ivy. She joins the bidding and starts racking in the bids by using her powers. This is actually a pretty good idea. She is going to try and break Batman and Robin apart, and she is also raising thousands upon thousands of dollars for a charity working to restore the rainforest. Unfortunately the fact that she is willing to kill the entire population of the world sort of takes away from this moment of subtle genius.
And yes, the Dynamic Duo begin bidding. To show Robin he can pay for it, Batman unveils...this:
Moving on, the party is suddenly cr
Yes! We get it! Sheesh. Anyway, the party is crashed by Mr. Freeze and his goons, who proceed to freeze almost everyone at the party. Wow. Great plan, Bats.
After the Duo kick the goons asses, including an awesome scene of Batman punching right through a wooden drum, Freeze steals the diamonds and high tails it out of there. Ivy is impressed, and Commissioner Gordon is put in charge of thawing the citizens as the heroes give chase.
Join us next time because this is going to take two parts!
TO BE CONTINUED...
