Good god I love Scott Pilgrim...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Positively Dreadful: Batman and Robin. Part 1
I have considered writing a review up for the infamous Batman and Robin film for a while, but I don't think we could get much better than the Nostalgia Critic's review. Well maybe, but being as big a fan as I am, I'd probably end up just ripping him off. However, I was watching it the other day and I thought to myself, "My god, this is even worse than the last time I watched it. God help me I love it."
Unlike One More Day, Batman Robin is an Epic Fail which can be enjoyed. The film is bad for sure, but it's also endlessly entertaining. I realised that although many people find it so bad it's good, I don't think anyone has actually reviewed the film in a positive light (with admittedly, VERY good reason) So that's why I invite your to my first Positively Dreadful Review.
The film starts out with the Warner Bros logo morphing into the Bat signal, then freezing. This continues the element of the series of obscuring the signal in some way. The first film, it was normal, second, it had a dash of snow, third it was part of a Question Mark, and now it's fully frozen over.
The actual movie begins with the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney and Chris O'Donnel) suiting up for their latest act of heroics.
Most (including me) will be put of by the extreme close up shots of their asses, bat nipples and over stuffed crotches, but infamous director Joel Schumacher had an admittedly good reason for this. The suits were inspired by greek sculptures of their greatest heroes. By doing this, they give the duo a more 'powerful' presence. I may also mention that a factor in the decision is that Schumacher is openly gay, but the greek god thing sounds more dignified.
After this we see the team's awesome vehicles, the new Batmobile and the Redbird. In Tim Burton's Batman, these would have been silly, in this film, they become cool.
I may mention however that the fact that it has no roof is stupid on a few levels.
After they leave, we get the first glimpse of Alfred's ailment. Michael Gough is widely agreed to supply us with an excellent performance in an otherwise awful picture.
We then see Gotham in all it's glory. I theorise that Gotham City was built by a team of mad architects (considering it's GOTHAM City, this is actually quite likely) because it looks bizarre! And I love it! In this film, Gotham City is an abract painting, with impossibly high skyscrapers, large statues of bare chested men (Greek Gods are dignified!) and generally insane architecture. This helps to paint the film an unusual, but enjoyable atmosphere.
Mr. Freeze (AAAAAHHHHNOOOOOOLD!) is stealing a diamond from the mueseum with his gang of irate hockey players. Freeze is dressed in a heavy suit of body armour that increased his strength, endurance, and keeps him alive due to his genetics need for intense cold. Admit it, if this wasn't a Batman film, you'd think this suit looks cool. Campy yes. Cool, definately.
Arnold also technically dosn't give a bad performance. The problem? Bad writing. The moments when he isn't hurling ice puns show that this could have potentially been a great performance. However, the puns may be extremely cheesy, but chances are, if you were shooting at people with an ice gun, you'd do the same. I can imagine that Arnie had a blast in those scenes, I know I would have.
Since this is a positive review of a bad movie, I am going to over analyse on as much as possible. Freeze has been mutated in his attempts to save his wife from MacGregor's Syndrome, into a being that needs cold to survive. If we assume that he turned to crime due to unseen or unexplained events before the film, he has gone a little mad. He knows that even if he cures his wife, things will never be the same. He knows she will not recognise this psychotic blue criminal as her husband, but continues out of his undying love. To avoid a major breakdown, he embraces what he has become, hurling puns of every kind left and right, fooling himself into believing this is what he wants to be.
Wow. I need to go outside at some stage.
So then the group battles it out for a while, eventually forcing Freeze to launch him and Batman into the sky using a rocket inside his Freezemobile (Which is also fairly cool).
Freeze escapes with a glider, and trusts that Batman can escape the nuclear bomb before it hits the ground. With Robin's help, he's right, and they blow it up before it comes anywhere close to the ground.
Then we get one of the awesomest things you will see in a Batman movie: Batman and Robin surfing through the sky on doors of an exploding nuclear rocket. In Burton's films, this would be stupid. In the comics, this would be awesome. It is as such here.
They chase Freeze into a building where Robin's eagerness works against him and gets him frozen solid. Freeze gives Batman a choice between chasing after him and defrosting his partner. Obviously, he chooses Robin, and Freeze gets away. Some find this a Wallbanger, considering that he could have killed Batman right there and then. Let's take a moment to overanalyse that too.
Freeze recognises Batman as a worthy opponent, and a hero. Not being a complete monster, Freeze allows Batman to live on and save more lives.
Also, people complain that Robin is fine when he's unthawed despite only having eleven minutes to live. He was frozen for one minute at best, and just because he instantly asks "Did we get him?" does not mean he's fine. It means he's focussed on catching Freeze.
I also like this scene because it is one of few pure 'Superhero Fights' in cinema. This is what I think of when I think of a campy superhero vs. a campy supervillain. The next closest thing I can think of is Spider-Man vs. Green Goblin, and technically that dosn't count because that film was good and actually made it work.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of...African Research? I seriously don't know what the place is actually supposed to be, but it's funded by Wayne Enterprises, Pamela Isley, Uma Thurman, is a nerdy scientsit who is determined to grant plantlife the ability to fend for itself.
Thurman is probably the most unwatchable thing in the film. As a geeky nerd, she plays the character way too over the top to take seriously. For this film that's par the course, but somehow she dosn't possess the same sort of fun Arnold brings.
She complains that her latest experiment has failed, but she still has hope. She has also become annoyed that her fellow scientist, Jason Woodrue (The Floronic Man, as he is known in the comics) repeatedly steals away her secret chemical Venom. Upon investigation, we meet Woodrue, who is an over the top mad scientist who is non the less much more enjoyable than Pamela.
He is using Venom to create a super soldier to sell to the highest bidder, including a mysterious mystery bidder who has no significance to the plot at all.
The super soldier he creates, is Bane. Ah, Bane. One of Batman's most infamous enemies, Bane gained his reputation by doing this:
My personal favorite pic of him though? Would be this:
But, this being a live action movie before CGI was perfected, we get this:
Woodrue soon discovers Pamela and offers her partnership if she keeps her mouth shut after explaining that Wayne cut his funding once he discovered how their money was being spent. But she'll have none of it! Woodrue dared to turn her research for the safety of plants into some madcap scheme for World Domination! As opposed to the completely sane and reasonable plan for world domination she will soon be planning. He dosn't take rejection well, so he kills her, crushing her under the weight of her own bubbling lab experiments. Let us give Dr. Woodrue some credit for doing what we've been wanting to do since she was introduced.
Back at the Batcave, the Caped Crusaders appear out of costume with Alfred by their side, doing their research on Freeze. We learn about his tragic backstory, of how his wife contracted MacGregor's syndrome and how he recieved his mutation. This hilariously falls into narm territory when Arnie falls into the chemical bath. To paraphrase him, "Naaargh! Aaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Bat's decides to use the Wayne Diamonds to lure out Freeze, and grows tension between himself and Robin after showing that he disapproves of his reckless behaviour on the field.
One thing you'll notice is that the story with the people is much more watchable for fans than of the one with the heroes. It's still not done that well, but watching that fight with Mr. Freeze, and then watching most of this seen here, I'm seeing two completing different films.
Back with the delightful Dr. Jason Woodrue, he has successfully sold Bane to the mystery bidder and is planning to have him shipped out. However, much to his surprise, Pamela rises from the ground covered in vines. Dammit, and it was just getting good, too! She has been changed by the chemicals and Venom. Her genetic structure has been entirely changed, essentially turning her into a human plant. That, and her clothes and hair have been torn up, making her hot, and into a true Large Ham. In true Poison Ivy fashion, she kisses Woodrue on the lips, giving him a dose of natural poison and killing him.
Pamela then destroys the lab, monologuing about her new lease on life. I know this is supposed to a Positive Review, and I know this is one of the oldest Villain Conventions of all time, but when watching this seen I really just have to ask...who is she talking to? Before the lab is completely wrecked, she remembers about Wayne Enterprises and decides to pay him a visit with a scheme. For the hell of of, she brings Bane along. Apparently Woodrue just lets him walk around the lab now.
Next we return to Freeze, who is in his secret lair of an abandoned Ice Cream factory. The one with the most disturbing head they could find. Inside he forces his minions to sing 'I'm Mister White Christmas,' and quite narmfully wears polar bear slippers and a bathrobe. He is hit on by his beautiful female lacky, Miss...Big Lipped Alligator Moment, as he smokes a cigar. Why is he smoking a cigar? Poor choice on the Director's part. After expositing his plan to his minion Frosty, we get more evidence that the part could have actually been well played had the script been written better as Freeze looks upon his frozen wife, promising that he will soon find a cure. Oh, and he has this plan to freeze Gotham and hold it ransom. I might mention that.
Speaking of ransom...well actually no, not speaking of it at all. I'm terrible at segues, Pamela hears that Bruce is presenting Gotham's new Ultra Telescope, specially designed to view all around the globe, to the public. Using a stolen limo, she has Bane drive her to the observatory. So he can barely talk, but driving a car without crashing is no problem? Must be an effect of the Venom. I may mention that the facility is held up by a statue of a man that could squish Godzilla, more bizarrchitecture! :D After being asked whether or not he plans on proposing to his girlfriend, the first time in a Batfilm where the Girl of the Film wasn't a main character, Pamela shows up. In a surprising twist, her big plan involves no crime at all, merely producing a document listing down all the productions Wayne Enterprises could cancel, almost instantly saving the worlds ecosystem (Which would be even more surprising if we didn't learn that she killed someone to get that limo) Since cancelling them would kill millions of people, he declines. She then goes on a rant about how mammals are inferior creatures and that a reckoning is coming, making her seem completely insane considering they don't know she isn't a mammal anymore.
But here's what I think. The way she acts seems like she understands everything that is going on. But she dosn't. Since she was revived, aside from the obvious mutations and lust for world domination (Told you ) she's been experiencing severe Sanity Slippage. She thinks she is intimidating these people with this speech, but it just recieves laughter. She is unable to see what is so funny about the concept of flowers attacking a city protected by the Goddamn Batman and Goshdarned Robin. This would also explain her hammy acting, and who she was talking to earlier.
Bruce gives her an invitation to the Charity Ball, where they will be presenting the Wayne Diamonds in an attempt to draw out Freeze. Batman and Robin will be appearing as the Special Guests. This allows her to bake a new, sinister tactic. She will rid herself of the heroes using her new seductive abilities (Apparentlt plants turn people into living aphrodisiacs). One has to wonder what would have happened if it turned out Batman and Robin was actually the last names of two women. Probably a lot of fan fiction.
After a touching scene of Freeze watching his old Wedding videos, learning of the Charity Ball, we move onto the ball itself. For some bizarre reason, we have a massive Jungle theme. Why? Because it's outrageously weird, and really, that's what this film is all about. There is bidding for a date with one of three beautiful models dressed as flowers.
Batman and Robin are there and await Freeze's arrival. Isley arrives disguised as large pink gorilla (Great disguise, Pam) and unveils herself as Poison Ivy. She joins the bidding and starts racking in the bids by using her powers. This is actually a pretty good idea. She is going to try and break Batman and Robin apart, and she is also raising thousands upon thousands of dollars for a charity working to restore the rainforest. Unfortunately the fact that she is willing to kill the entire population of the world sort of takes away from this moment of subtle genius.
And yes, the Dynamic Duo begin bidding. To show Robin he can pay for it, Batman unveils...this:
Moving on, the party is suddenly cr
Yes! We get it! Sheesh. Anyway, the party is crashed by Mr. Freeze and his goons, who proceed to freeze almost everyone at the party. Wow. Great plan, Bats.
After the Duo kick the goons asses, including an awesome scene of Batman punching right through a wooden drum, Freeze steals the diamonds and high tails it out of there. Ivy is impressed, and Commissioner Gordon is put in charge of thawing the citizens as the heroes give chase.
Join us next time because this is going to take two parts!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Unlike One More Day, Batman Robin is an Epic Fail which can be enjoyed. The film is bad for sure, but it's also endlessly entertaining. I realised that although many people find it so bad it's good, I don't think anyone has actually reviewed the film in a positive light (with admittedly, VERY good reason) So that's why I invite your to my first Positively Dreadful Review.
The film starts out with the Warner Bros logo morphing into the Bat signal, then freezing. This continues the element of the series of obscuring the signal in some way. The first film, it was normal, second, it had a dash of snow, third it was part of a Question Mark, and now it's fully frozen over.
The actual movie begins with the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney and Chris O'Donnel) suiting up for their latest act of heroics.
Most (including me) will be put of by the extreme close up shots of their asses, bat nipples and over stuffed crotches, but infamous director Joel Schumacher had an admittedly good reason for this. The suits were inspired by greek sculptures of their greatest heroes. By doing this, they give the duo a more 'powerful' presence. I may also mention that a factor in the decision is that Schumacher is openly gay, but the greek god thing sounds more dignified.
After this we see the team's awesome vehicles, the new Batmobile and the Redbird. In Tim Burton's Batman, these would have been silly, in this film, they become cool.
I may mention however that the fact that it has no roof is stupid on a few levels.
After they leave, we get the first glimpse of Alfred's ailment. Michael Gough is widely agreed to supply us with an excellent performance in an otherwise awful picture.
We then see Gotham in all it's glory. I theorise that Gotham City was built by a team of mad architects (considering it's GOTHAM City, this is actually quite likely) because it looks bizarre! And I love it! In this film, Gotham City is an abract painting, with impossibly high skyscrapers, large statues of bare chested men (Greek Gods are dignified!) and generally insane architecture. This helps to paint the film an unusual, but enjoyable atmosphere.
Mr. Freeze (AAAAAHHHHNOOOOOOLD!) is stealing a diamond from the mueseum with his gang of irate hockey players. Freeze is dressed in a heavy suit of body armour that increased his strength, endurance, and keeps him alive due to his genetics need for intense cold. Admit it, if this wasn't a Batman film, you'd think this suit looks cool. Campy yes. Cool, definately.
Arnold also technically dosn't give a bad performance. The problem? Bad writing. The moments when he isn't hurling ice puns show that this could have potentially been a great performance. However, the puns may be extremely cheesy, but chances are, if you were shooting at people with an ice gun, you'd do the same. I can imagine that Arnie had a blast in those scenes, I know I would have.
Since this is a positive review of a bad movie, I am going to over analyse on as much as possible. Freeze has been mutated in his attempts to save his wife from MacGregor's Syndrome, into a being that needs cold to survive. If we assume that he turned to crime due to unseen or unexplained events before the film, he has gone a little mad. He knows that even if he cures his wife, things will never be the same. He knows she will not recognise this psychotic blue criminal as her husband, but continues out of his undying love. To avoid a major breakdown, he embraces what he has become, hurling puns of every kind left and right, fooling himself into believing this is what he wants to be.
Wow. I need to go outside at some stage.
So then the group battles it out for a while, eventually forcing Freeze to launch him and Batman into the sky using a rocket inside his Freezemobile (Which is also fairly cool).
Freeze escapes with a glider, and trusts that Batman can escape the nuclear bomb before it hits the ground. With Robin's help, he's right, and they blow it up before it comes anywhere close to the ground.Then we get one of the awesomest things you will see in a Batman movie: Batman and Robin surfing through the sky on doors of an exploding nuclear rocket. In Burton's films, this would be stupid. In the comics, this would be awesome. It is as such here.
They chase Freeze into a building where Robin's eagerness works against him and gets him frozen solid. Freeze gives Batman a choice between chasing after him and defrosting his partner. Obviously, he chooses Robin, and Freeze gets away. Some find this a Wallbanger, considering that he could have killed Batman right there and then. Let's take a moment to overanalyse that too.
Freeze recognises Batman as a worthy opponent, and a hero. Not being a complete monster, Freeze allows Batman to live on and save more lives.
Also, people complain that Robin is fine when he's unthawed despite only having eleven minutes to live. He was frozen for one minute at best, and just because he instantly asks "Did we get him?" does not mean he's fine. It means he's focussed on catching Freeze.
I also like this scene because it is one of few pure 'Superhero Fights' in cinema. This is what I think of when I think of a campy superhero vs. a campy supervillain. The next closest thing I can think of is Spider-Man vs. Green Goblin, and technically that dosn't count because that film was good and actually made it work.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of...African Research? I seriously don't know what the place is actually supposed to be, but it's funded by Wayne Enterprises, Pamela Isley, Uma Thurman, is a nerdy scientsit who is determined to grant plantlife the ability to fend for itself.
Thurman is probably the most unwatchable thing in the film. As a geeky nerd, she plays the character way too over the top to take seriously. For this film that's par the course, but somehow she dosn't possess the same sort of fun Arnold brings.
She complains that her latest experiment has failed, but she still has hope. She has also become annoyed that her fellow scientist, Jason Woodrue (The Floronic Man, as he is known in the comics) repeatedly steals away her secret chemical Venom. Upon investigation, we meet Woodrue, who is an over the top mad scientist who is non the less much more enjoyable than Pamela.
He is using Venom to create a super soldier to sell to the highest bidder, including a mysterious mystery bidder who has no significance to the plot at all.
The super soldier he creates, is Bane. Ah, Bane. One of Batman's most infamous enemies, Bane gained his reputation by doing this:
My personal favorite pic of him though? Would be this:
But, this being a live action movie before CGI was perfected, we get this:
Woodrue soon discovers Pamela and offers her partnership if she keeps her mouth shut after explaining that Wayne cut his funding once he discovered how their money was being spent. But she'll have none of it! Woodrue dared to turn her research for the safety of plants into some madcap scheme for World Domination! As opposed to the completely sane and reasonable plan for world domination she will soon be planning. He dosn't take rejection well, so he kills her, crushing her under the weight of her own bubbling lab experiments. Let us give Dr. Woodrue some credit for doing what we've been wanting to do since she was introduced.
Back at the Batcave, the Caped Crusaders appear out of costume with Alfred by their side, doing their research on Freeze. We learn about his tragic backstory, of how his wife contracted MacGregor's syndrome and how he recieved his mutation. This hilariously falls into narm territory when Arnie falls into the chemical bath. To paraphrase him, "Naaargh! Aaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Bat's decides to use the Wayne Diamonds to lure out Freeze, and grows tension between himself and Robin after showing that he disapproves of his reckless behaviour on the field.
One thing you'll notice is that the story with the people is much more watchable for fans than of the one with the heroes. It's still not done that well, but watching that fight with Mr. Freeze, and then watching most of this seen here, I'm seeing two completing different films.
Back with the delightful Dr. Jason Woodrue, he has successfully sold Bane to the mystery bidder and is planning to have him shipped out. However, much to his surprise, Pamela rises from the ground covered in vines. Dammit, and it was just getting good, too! She has been changed by the chemicals and Venom. Her genetic structure has been entirely changed, essentially turning her into a human plant. That, and her clothes and hair have been torn up, making her hot, and into a true Large Ham. In true Poison Ivy fashion, she kisses Woodrue on the lips, giving him a dose of natural poison and killing him.
Pamela then destroys the lab, monologuing about her new lease on life. I know this is supposed to a Positive Review, and I know this is one of the oldest Villain Conventions of all time, but when watching this seen I really just have to ask...who is she talking to? Before the lab is completely wrecked, she remembers about Wayne Enterprises and decides to pay him a visit with a scheme. For the hell of of, she brings Bane along. Apparently Woodrue just lets him walk around the lab now.
Next we return to Freeze, who is in his secret lair of an abandoned Ice Cream factory. The one with the most disturbing head they could find. Inside he forces his minions to sing 'I'm Mister White Christmas,' and quite narmfully wears polar bear slippers and a bathrobe. He is hit on by his beautiful female lacky, Miss...Big Lipped Alligator Moment, as he smokes a cigar. Why is he smoking a cigar? Poor choice on the Director's part. After expositing his plan to his minion Frosty, we get more evidence that the part could have actually been well played had the script been written better as Freeze looks upon his frozen wife, promising that he will soon find a cure. Oh, and he has this plan to freeze Gotham and hold it ransom. I might mention that.
Speaking of ransom...well actually no, not speaking of it at all. I'm terrible at segues, Pamela hears that Bruce is presenting Gotham's new Ultra Telescope, specially designed to view all around the globe, to the public. Using a stolen limo, she has Bane drive her to the observatory. So he can barely talk, but driving a car without crashing is no problem? Must be an effect of the Venom. I may mention that the facility is held up by a statue of a man that could squish Godzilla, more bizarrchitecture! :D After being asked whether or not he plans on proposing to his girlfriend, the first time in a Batfilm where the Girl of the Film wasn't a main character, Pamela shows up. In a surprising twist, her big plan involves no crime at all, merely producing a document listing down all the productions Wayne Enterprises could cancel, almost instantly saving the worlds ecosystem (Which would be even more surprising if we didn't learn that she killed someone to get that limo) Since cancelling them would kill millions of people, he declines. She then goes on a rant about how mammals are inferior creatures and that a reckoning is coming, making her seem completely insane considering they don't know she isn't a mammal anymore.
But here's what I think. The way she acts seems like she understands everything that is going on. But she dosn't. Since she was revived, aside from the obvious mutations and lust for world domination (Told you ) she's been experiencing severe Sanity Slippage. She thinks she is intimidating these people with this speech, but it just recieves laughter. She is unable to see what is so funny about the concept of flowers attacking a city protected by the Goddamn Batman and Goshdarned Robin. This would also explain her hammy acting, and who she was talking to earlier.
Bruce gives her an invitation to the Charity Ball, where they will be presenting the Wayne Diamonds in an attempt to draw out Freeze. Batman and Robin will be appearing as the Special Guests. This allows her to bake a new, sinister tactic. She will rid herself of the heroes using her new seductive abilities (Apparentlt plants turn people into living aphrodisiacs). One has to wonder what would have happened if it turned out Batman and Robin was actually the last names of two women. Probably a lot of fan fiction.
After a touching scene of Freeze watching his old Wedding videos, learning of the Charity Ball, we move onto the ball itself. For some bizarre reason, we have a massive Jungle theme. Why? Because it's outrageously weird, and really, that's what this film is all about. There is bidding for a date with one of three beautiful models dressed as flowers.
Batman and Robin are there and await Freeze's arrival. Isley arrives disguised as large pink gorilla (Great disguise, Pam) and unveils herself as Poison Ivy. She joins the bidding and starts racking in the bids by using her powers. This is actually a pretty good idea. She is going to try and break Batman and Robin apart, and she is also raising thousands upon thousands of dollars for a charity working to restore the rainforest. Unfortunately the fact that she is willing to kill the entire population of the world sort of takes away from this moment of subtle genius.
And yes, the Dynamic Duo begin bidding. To show Robin he can pay for it, Batman unveils...this:
Moving on, the party is suddenly cr
Yes! We get it! Sheesh. Anyway, the party is crashed by Mr. Freeze and his goons, who proceed to freeze almost everyone at the party. Wow. Great plan, Bats.
After the Duo kick the goons asses, including an awesome scene of Batman punching right through a wooden drum, Freeze steals the diamonds and high tails it out of there. Ivy is impressed, and Commissioner Gordon is put in charge of thawing the citizens as the heroes give chase.
Join us next time because this is going to take two parts!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sorceror's Apprentice...Wait.
Hold on...I of course didn't mention the source material!
The Sorceror's Apprentice originated as a poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe detailing how an apprentice uses his masters magic to enchant brooms to do his chores, and ends up flooding the castle. This is reduced to a single scene in the film which could almost be removed.
One has to wonder how this occurance is actually possible. Disney famously created the animated short starring Mickey Mouse which otherwise told a spot on version of the story, with the only real differences being the name of the Sorceror and his reaction to the mess (anger).
While the film isn't really worse off for the change, one does wonder how such the story of an apprentice who briefly screws around with some minor magic can be turned into an action comedy film involving rivalling sorcerors, enormous beasts, ancient plots, pop culture references and a fairly well thought out story.
I initially believed that this was actually based off a book seires that took inspiration from the tale, something somewhat more understandable. But no, someone just looked at the poem and said, "You know what this needs? That guy from Kick-Ass shooting lasers!"
The Sorceror's Apprentice originated as a poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe detailing how an apprentice uses his masters magic to enchant brooms to do his chores, and ends up flooding the castle. This is reduced to a single scene in the film which could almost be removed.
One has to wonder how this occurance is actually possible. Disney famously created the animated short starring Mickey Mouse which otherwise told a spot on version of the story, with the only real differences being the name of the Sorceror and his reaction to the mess (anger).
While the film isn't really worse off for the change, one does wonder how such the story of an apprentice who briefly screws around with some minor magic can be turned into an action comedy film involving rivalling sorcerors, enormous beasts, ancient plots, pop culture references and a fairly well thought out story.
I initially believed that this was actually based off a book seires that took inspiration from the tale, something somewhat more understandable. But no, someone just looked at the poem and said, "You know what this needs? That guy from Kick-Ass shooting lasers!"
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Sorceror's Apprentice.
Not Quite the Coolest Job ever. 
I can't say I was that excited by the announcement of this picture, so it wasn't that big of a deal when it didn't impress me. It's not necessarily a bad film, but it just isn't that notable.
First I guess I need to explain the plot. Dave Lizewski is a dorky teenager growing up in New York who one days decides to become the superhero Kick-Ass!
and soon meets up with...no, wait. Sorry, Dave STUTLER is a dorky pre teen who one day on a field trip writes a letter for his crush asking if she'd like to go out with him. The wind blows it away and leads him to a shop owned by Damon Macready, a former cop known today as the ruthless vigilante, Big Daddy! 
Oh wait, it's just his actor, Nicholas Cage. He's playing an ancient sorceror named Balthazar Blake, the titular Sorceror. Honest to god, this is an alternate universe version of Kick-Ass. Except not as funny.
Centuries back, Merlin had three apprentices, Balthazar, Veronica (I think) and Horvath. After Veronica decides she loves Balthazar, Horvath decides to help Merlin's mortal enemy, Morgana Le Fey storm the castle and steal Merlin's most powerful spell, one that would allow her to summon a legion of undead minions. Veronica magically absorbs Morgana, but she is too strong, so Balthazar traps her in a Russian Matroshka (spelling?) doll called the Grimhold. Merlin gives him a ring shaped like a dragon to find the one person who could destroy Morgana, the Prime Merlinian. Along the way he captures even more evil sorceror's in the Grimhold, including Horvath. This is Dave.
Dave accidentally releases Horvath, who fights with Balthazar, and ends with them trapped in a giant urn for ten years. During this times, Dave has established himself as an older version of himself with a weird voice and a knack for Quantum Physics. Balthazar and Horvath finally escape the urn and cause mayhem for Dave in their battles.
The first weird thing about this film is the blatant use of the word Sorceror. They just throw it at you and expect you to accept it. There's not even any build up, we just have to accept that this is about sorcery straight off the bat. Not that you don't expect that, I mean it's called the Sorceror's Apprentice, but we need some build up, maybe just a small paragraph worth of dialogue explaining the wizard. I usually hate that kind of thing, but the film dosn't get much from the opening narration anyway.
Second, the plot aside from the sorcery is so damn cliche! Dave is a loner, yet has extraordinary talents, and finally gets the chance to be with his crush, in part due to the unusual occurances in the film. What's another film that did that?
...you know, I didn't really mean that at first.
The film fails to give itself its own atmosphere, but that isn't that big of a problem. However, I might make mention that I enjoy the travesty of a film that is League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in part due to its atmosphere, so this can contribute quite a bit to the production.
While I can certainly believe that Balthazar is shooting balls of energy from his hands, other effects aren't as well done. I speak of course of the large steel eagle as seen in the trailers. Yes, we see it fly, and yes it comes up more than once, but those experiences are barely worth mentioning. We mostly get to see it arrive and land, take a fair bit away from how awesome it could have been.
I may also mention that there is an unexpected amount of Body Horror in this film. The most notable that I can think of is when a sorceror turns one of those chinese dragons that you see at celebrations into a real one. The people inside are then incased within the dragon as it becomes a being of flesh, and their legs are morphed into that of the dragons, that is High Octane Nightmare Fuel!
Second most notable are the Sorcery for disguises. When a character disguises themselves as another human being, their face is pushed to the side and replaced by another. Disturbing, but admittedly a neat effect.
Cage's performance as Balthazar isn't his best. In my humble opinion, that is Big Daddy. He is still an enjoyable character, and I don't really have any gripes, but I just really can't say it was all that memorable. Horvath is somewhat more interesting, boasting a nice hat and being made out of cockroaches (another nice effect). He also gets a few funny moments, and is certainly going to make an appearance in Villain Spotlight at some stage in the future.
The film moves at a decent pace, but I'm not sure if they really thought about a few things. As we establish Dave, we know he does some pretty great quantum physics, but it just comes off as confusing when we suddenly cut to him in an underground laboratory using a machine to strike lightning all around the place. I thought they skipped a scene or something.
Next we also have the fight with the dragon. Not the best fight in history, but for this film, its pretty epic. The fight with Morgana at the end is kinda dissapointing by comparison, to say the least. And how exactly did he know electricity would beat her? It may have been explained, but I don't recall.
All in all, I have to say that if you're going to see one film this season, you could do worse than Sorceror's Apprentice. It had a fair number of flaws, but still comes across as decent inspite of them. It's a 7/10 fom me.
I can't say I was that excited by the announcement of this picture, so it wasn't that big of a deal when it didn't impress me. It's not necessarily a bad film, but it just isn't that notable.
First I guess I need to explain the plot. Dave Lizewski is a dorky teenager growing up in New York who one days decides to become the superhero Kick-Ass!
and soon meets up with...no, wait. Sorry, Dave STUTLER is a dorky pre teen who one day on a field trip writes a letter for his crush asking if she'd like to go out with him. The wind blows it away and leads him to a shop owned by Damon Macready, a former cop known today as the ruthless vigilante, Big Daddy! 
Oh wait, it's just his actor, Nicholas Cage. He's playing an ancient sorceror named Balthazar Blake, the titular Sorceror. Honest to god, this is an alternate universe version of Kick-Ass. Except not as funny.
Centuries back, Merlin had three apprentices, Balthazar, Veronica (I think) and Horvath. After Veronica decides she loves Balthazar, Horvath decides to help Merlin's mortal enemy, Morgana Le Fey storm the castle and steal Merlin's most powerful spell, one that would allow her to summon a legion of undead minions. Veronica magically absorbs Morgana, but she is too strong, so Balthazar traps her in a Russian Matroshka (spelling?) doll called the Grimhold. Merlin gives him a ring shaped like a dragon to find the one person who could destroy Morgana, the Prime Merlinian. Along the way he captures even more evil sorceror's in the Grimhold, including Horvath. This is Dave.
Dave accidentally releases Horvath, who fights with Balthazar, and ends with them trapped in a giant urn for ten years. During this times, Dave has established himself as an older version of himself with a weird voice and a knack for Quantum Physics. Balthazar and Horvath finally escape the urn and cause mayhem for Dave in their battles.
The first weird thing about this film is the blatant use of the word Sorceror. They just throw it at you and expect you to accept it. There's not even any build up, we just have to accept that this is about sorcery straight off the bat. Not that you don't expect that, I mean it's called the Sorceror's Apprentice, but we need some build up, maybe just a small paragraph worth of dialogue explaining the wizard. I usually hate that kind of thing, but the film dosn't get much from the opening narration anyway.
Second, the plot aside from the sorcery is so damn cliche! Dave is a loner, yet has extraordinary talents, and finally gets the chance to be with his crush, in part due to the unusual occurances in the film. What's another film that did that?
...you know, I didn't really mean that at first.
The film fails to give itself its own atmosphere, but that isn't that big of a problem. However, I might make mention that I enjoy the travesty of a film that is League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in part due to its atmosphere, so this can contribute quite a bit to the production.
While I can certainly believe that Balthazar is shooting balls of energy from his hands, other effects aren't as well done. I speak of course of the large steel eagle as seen in the trailers. Yes, we see it fly, and yes it comes up more than once, but those experiences are barely worth mentioning. We mostly get to see it arrive and land, take a fair bit away from how awesome it could have been.
I may also mention that there is an unexpected amount of Body Horror in this film. The most notable that I can think of is when a sorceror turns one of those chinese dragons that you see at celebrations into a real one. The people inside are then incased within the dragon as it becomes a being of flesh, and their legs are morphed into that of the dragons, that is High Octane Nightmare Fuel!
Second most notable are the Sorcery for disguises. When a character disguises themselves as another human being, their face is pushed to the side and replaced by another. Disturbing, but admittedly a neat effect.
Cage's performance as Balthazar isn't his best. In my humble opinion, that is Big Daddy. He is still an enjoyable character, and I don't really have any gripes, but I just really can't say it was all that memorable. Horvath is somewhat more interesting, boasting a nice hat and being made out of cockroaches (another nice effect). He also gets a few funny moments, and is certainly going to make an appearance in Villain Spotlight at some stage in the future.
The film moves at a decent pace, but I'm not sure if they really thought about a few things. As we establish Dave, we know he does some pretty great quantum physics, but it just comes off as confusing when we suddenly cut to him in an underground laboratory using a machine to strike lightning all around the place. I thought they skipped a scene or something.
Next we also have the fight with the dragon. Not the best fight in history, but for this film, its pretty epic. The fight with Morgana at the end is kinda dissapointing by comparison, to say the least. And how exactly did he know electricity would beat her? It may have been explained, but I don't recall.
All in all, I have to say that if you're going to see one film this season, you could do worse than Sorceror's Apprentice. It had a fair number of flaws, but still comes across as decent inspite of them. It's a 7/10 fom me.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Awesome Covers: Youngblood #4
Oh yeah, this is what I'm talking about! Two teams of distinct heroes and villains charging at each other for the ultimate confrontation! And it is AWESOME! The characters all look pumped and ready for action...with the exception of Poppy,who looks like she just got out of the bathroom and now there's a massive fight going on. I also like how Blackrock just looms over them all grinning madly. It's all a cliched sort of cover, but that's obviously the intention, and some cliche's are around for a reason.
As for the story inside? Meh. It was alright, but the cast don't react too dramatically about Shaft coming back from the dead, except Badrock that is. And Doc Rocket, my favorite character in the series, finally gets some character development by...sleeping with the team's new leader. Way to go, Rocket. On the plus side, there's no innuendo regarding her super speed, so at least we're mostly mature about it. Oh and for some reason she stopped wearing hr mask. She obviously took it off earlier, but there's no reason why she wouldn't put it back on. Oh well.
Oh, and the fight on the cover never actually happens. We do see the new team leader try to fight Warwolf, Red Striped Man whose name I can't remember, and Blackrock. As far as I can tell, he got crushed to death afterwards. That can ruin your whole day.
Sideburns Speculates: Everybody Hates Joe.
There is not a comic geek alive who dosn't know this man. Joe Quesada is responsible for some of the most controversial and negatively recieved decisions in the history of comics. For those of you who are uneducated in such matters, allow me to elaborate with some examples:
*Attempted to kill off Captain America permenantly (it didn't stick).
*Transformed Tony Stark into a jerkass who would gladly throw his best friends in prison.
*Killed Wasp, wife of Hank Pym, to make him more interesting. And by that, I mean turn him batshit insane, and not in the fun way.
*Used a badly written story to wipe out twenty years of beloved Spider-Man history just to get rid of his wife, Mary Jane, make his identity secret again, and because he felt that the character had gotten boring and that his marriage made the book too mature for us.
Yes, it is decisions like this that make people see Quesada as not the Editor in Chief of Marvel, but a satanic being bent on toppling the once great company from within.
The Spider-Man incident, One More Day, is the most infamous. Being one of the most popular superheroes of all time, fans were outraged that two decades worth of continuity woas just thrown out the window. One particuler criticism is that Spider-Man, whose entire character is based around facing responsibility, makes a deal with the Devil to make himself feel better! And ironically, the initial plan failed miserably. Sales went down, and Peter now had a prolific sex life. Yes Mr. Quesada, I can see how two one night stands in three issues is WAY more family friendly than a healthy marriage!
The recent stories, such as Gauntlet and Grim Hunt, have been praised as some of the best we've seen in years, leading some to actually think that Quesada's decision wasn't all that bad. These people are stupid. These awesome stories aren't the result of Quesada's master plan, they're apologies from the company for having to publish the insane ramblings of such a freaking hack!
Quesada refuses to take notice of any of our outcries and has decided that the fans need more One More Day and gave us the story One Moment in Time to explain the new continuity in regards to Peter and Mary Jane's break up. Dude, just leave it! We have gotten by by acting like it didn't happen and just trying to enjoy the stories, but no, you think that we just need to see more of it, to see how brilliant it actually is. You know what Mr. Quesada? We will never see the genius who keep hallucinating, because it isn't there. You are delusional and need to give your position in the company to someone else before you ruin the entire universe forever!
...Moving on.
But one problem he didn't have direct involvement was Rulk, AKA Red Hulk, created by Geof Johns. Rulk was THE new menace. He was stronger than Hulk, he was smarter than hulk, and above all, he was out for a goal that didn't bode well for humanity. It was exciting, and people were all wondering where this beast came from, especially after he killed longtime Hulk enemies Abomination, and General Thunderbolt Ross.
However, it soon became apparent that history was repeating itself, and, taking a cue from Clone Saga, Rulk's storyline kept on going...and going...and going, and going until people just didn't care any more. It was repeatedly hammered away how strong he was! He beat up everyone who crossed his path, even using Thor's signature weapon, the Hammer Mjolnir. This caused a bit of an uproar, because only those worthy in strength and soul may weild hero, like Thor or an insanely dedicated paramedic at one stage. However, it was justified by some in that this was in space without any gravity. Oh, and did I mention he actually managed to steal the Silver Surfer's board? What next? He's going to throw a Skrull Ship into Galactus and steal his helmet?
A few times to some of my friends, I jokingly mused that Rulk's identity was Quesada himself. How surprised were the fanbase when it turned out...It was Thunderbolt Ross!...Who...Rulk killed?
No, actually that was an illusion of some kind and Ross was the Jolly Red Giant the whole time. So obviously I was way off with that Quesada joke...
Or was I? They actually have a fair bit in common. Namely, they're both grumpy middle aged men in high seats of authority within their profession. Not only that, but both of them are going out of their way to utterly destroy characters that are beloved worldwide. Wow.
On a side note, I haven't read One Moment in Time yet, but I will soon. I was fully ready to do it when I sat down and realised, 'This is the sequel to One More Day. And I am about to read it.'
Also, my ranking comes off as incredibly harsh. I was not reading Spider-Man before that happened, nor have I even read One More Day. I recognise the princible, though. He really should quit while he's ahead. And by ahead I mean while people are still buying the books.
This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
200 Views.
Yes, I have finally gotten 200 views. Over a hundred posts about radioactive mutants, transforming emo kids, reanimated corpses, many dudes in spandex, and enormous monsters. It's been quite a ride, hasn't it? Well there's a few people I'd like to thank.
First, my friend Robert/random_fan, who was one of very few people who actually left comments on my blog.
Another person who commented on my blog would be my sister Megan. She frequently visited my blog and told other people about it. Which brings me to some very special people.
The people at Internode. Only a week or two ago, my blog only had 160 views. In that time, you have given my blog about 40 views. Thank you, Internode geeks, I am glad I have provided this service to you. Or anyone in fact. Thank you for reading my blog instead of doing work.
And now so as to let you waste more time on my blog, here is some quick Geek Trivia.
GI Joe was originally a comic about Nick Fury leading an elite team of SHIELD agents. However, Marvel didn't like the idea and it never came to fruition. The man also worked for Hasbro at some stage and was a part of the team that were revamping the classic GI Joe toy line. He integrated the idea onto this blank slate and came up with a media icon.
Also, that means that Cobra Command is an Expy of HYDRA.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Mental Covers: Cyanide's my Pal.
The reason why remains unknown, but any time Mental and Cyanide are in the same room and are not beating the life out of each other is already bizarre. What could possibly make the two join forces?
Cyanide was another attempt at creating an arch enemy for Mental. Originally created for a fairly well done fight scene in my comic on Flickr, Cyanide was an alien blob who came to Earth to beat shit up, and was met by Captain Mental, my alter ego in this version. I manage to rip his head off, but the slime forms a mutating suit on my body and turns me into his second form. Imagine a full body hoodie with tentacles for arms and large teeth sticking out of the hood. Eventually the old Cyanide shows up again, having regained his old head, and is killed and absorbed by my suit, creating an unstoppable monolithic beast (pictured). It takes a retelling of The Devil Went Down To Georgia (and a falling plane) to remove the suit.
Cyanide's design in my drawings has slowly changed over time, and probably not for the better. Originally his head was much more humanoid in shape and was generally just drawn more intimidating.
Though still probably Mental's strongest opponent, I don't think I could bring him back enough to make him into the arch villain.
And yes, he is inspired by Venom.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Coyle Command
Wow, it would seem that some psycho on Facebook has started a ruthless criminal organisation determined to rule the world. Heh, how about that.
The egotistical and thoroughly bonkers Coyle Commander seems pretty damn determined to recruit as many people as possible for his plans for domination over the world. Well I can't say I support him, I've already accepted a future ruled by Dr. Steel or the Nostalgia Critic.
If you're curious, or even want to join theis nutjob, check him out here.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=152900714729615&ref=mf't
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sonic the Hedgehog #216 Review
The Worlds most way past crap comic!
There was once a little boy named Ned Coyle. From a very early age, he loved superheroes and monsters. Throughout the years he discovered the world of comic books, but was restricted by the News Agent's catalogue. Eventually he was finally able to go to a real comic book store and was finally able to buy an issue of this 'Madman' comic he heard so much about. Unfortunately Ned read several issues and soon discovered, much to his dismay, that Madman wasn't quite what he imagined, and that for every good comic book series, there will always be some tripe to counter it, turning him into the plastic sword waving nutjob you see before you.
Sonic the Hedgehog #216 is a perfect example of such tripe. Never before have I read a comic book so patronising, so mind numbingly stupid, that I had to explain my backstory to fully bring on the impact of how much I loathed it.
For those of you don't know, as in the ones of you who were born with cabbages instead of brains, Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most popular video game icons of all time. Originally created to compete with Nintendo's Mario and to replace SEGA's then current mascot 'Alex Kidd,' Sonic was about a blue hedgehog who could run really fast and fought an evil scientist shaped like an egg. Naturally the game was a smashing success that soon unleashed its pointy blue franchise upon the world, bringing us multiple cartoon shows, a straight to DVD movie, tons of other video games and yes, even comic books.
In recent years, Mario has finally beaten out Sonic as the worlds greatest video game icon due to a decrease in quality in Sonic's games, with his 06' title simple named 'Sonic the Hedgehog' being regarded as the worst game of the year. The new plans for another 2D Sonic game should bring back hope for the series. But we're not here to talk about the games, are we? This is a comic blog (usually).
The fact that this is issue 216 implies that SOMEONE is buying this series, and judging by the adds and lack of intense violence, I'm assuming its children. Now I do commend the series for being one of few comics still successfully appealing to kids, this particuler issue is unforgivable.
Let's talk about the cover. What a piece of sh*t. It's Sonic fighting with a cyborg Killer Whale. This is dumb on so many levels. First of all, Sonic can't swim! Water is infamously his Kryptonite, how can he be down there, letalone fight. Second, this fight dons't even happen in the comic, the characters never meet, that is false advertisement! Third, a Cyborg-Killer Whale? Whales are endangered! Your trying to suggest Dr. Eggman grabbed this whale and started prodding gears and wires into it? Why not just have him kick puppies and steal candy from babies while your at it?
Things start out with the fairly new character, Silver the Hedgehog, beating up on an older character, Rotor, a Walrus wearing a yellow power suit. Silver is looking for a traitor to the Freedom Fighters, an organisation of rebels towards the dominating Eggman. Why not look for some wolves, chameleons or snakes? You know they're all evil right? Rotor fights back but is unable to outfit Silver's psychic powers. If he's so psychic, why hasn't he found the traitor yet?
We move over to Sonic and the Arctic Freedom Fighters, which features a penguin, a polar bear and a seal. In a gang of rebels. A PENGUIN, A POLAR BEAR AND A SEAL.
Polar bears I can understand, but seals and peguins aren't intimidating! You could at least PRETEND you have some good ideas.
They have to destroy a tower belonging to Dr. Eggman, which is sending out a brainwashing signal that is controlling Rotor's herd. You see how original this plot is? Not very. Sonic and what I think are two foxes engages the raging Walruses...Walri, Walrusi, Wali...the Walrus herd, and the Freedom Fighters go underwater to infiltrate the tower. The underwater section is guarded by a horde of Killer Whales, but its fine the Penguin sums it up as 'What's so scary about Killer Whales?' How about this?
But I guess your right, Killer Whales are the ultimate pasnies of the ocean. Now, Penguins! They're bad ass!
Sonic and the Foxes do a good job of fighting the Wal...opposition, but Sonic is unable to lay a hand on Rotor's mother, instead opting to talk it out with her. How many times has this worked in fiction? I don't know, but it dosn't work here. Luckily the girl fox turns out to be a ninja and knocks the woman out while invisible.
Back down below, the Freedom Fighters curb stomp the Killer Whales. Now this I've really gotta shake my head at. They're Killer Whales! You are telling me that a penguin of all creatures can make a bad ass fighting machine, but all Killer Whales are wussies? I can understand the Polar Bear, but a FRIGGIN PENGUIN!?!?!?! Oh well, the cyborg whale shows up and beats the ever loving shit out of them. I guess cybernetics are good for you.
Before we continue, may I just ask one thing? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE GAMES?!
Silver, who is from a post apocolyptic future I might mention, and Rotor fly up to the Tower and blast it open and find a mind control device inside. Since Silver has telekenisis, the solution is obvious. But no, Silver dosn't think he can do that because his specialty is moving things around. Yeah, and throwing Sonic into the wall so he can't get up or move while he pounds crate after crate into his skull! F*ck you Sonic the Hedgehog 2006!
Rotor points out that if Eggman, a human without any powers could do it, aan actual telepath should definatley be able to do it. Yeah, except Eggman has an IQ of over 300, idiots.
So anyway, Silver uses the thingy and snaps ther herd out of it and knock out the Cyber-Whale, meaning that the cover lied and Sonic won't be fighting it...Well that was frickin' easy! Sonic contributed NOTHING to this issue!
Everyone goes over to a congratulatory dinner where they say congratulations and hammer away how great Rotor is. WE GET IT! They are also kind enough to mention that the psychic wave scared off the whales. Oh really? I was so confident that the penguin would take care of them. Oh, and just to make sure future writers on this book can't rehash this most brilliant ofstories, Silver mentions that thanks to him, the Walthings can never be brainwashed again. Well TV is gonna be pretty boring from now on.
And so the gang walks off celebrating and everything is fine and dandy. Thanks for nothing you Blue Freak. Oh, but wait! We've gotta get go back to the city of Idontknoworcare to meet back with the the women of Sonic, Sally, Amy, Bunny, Tails and Antoine. Okay, if you know much about Sonic, you'd know that Antoine and Tails aren't women...but they're close enough. Tails, Antoine and Bunny are just arriving back from a recent Mini-Series that Tails shamelessly plugs. You're a whore in the Furry Fandom, and your a shameless sellout! That Blue Weasel has corrupted the youth of the fox community! And then we get some set up for next time where Sally needs Bunny for a special mission...wow, that dosn't sound like it will involve Sonic at all...you have like three different Sonic comics out at the same time and he's not even the star of his own book! Has your career sunk so low Sonic?
Oh, but the fun STILL isn't over yet folks, some demonic entity possessed one of the writers and made an epilogue. GOOD! GOD! Just leave it you bastards! Silver returns to the future and meets an Echidna. I may mention that the Echidna's in Sonic the Hedgehog look more like spiky dogs. In fact, I wonder if the artists have ever seen an echidna in their lives.
He talks about how he hasn't discovered the traitor who will cause the end of the world, but is making progress. Good god I hope this is better than Sonic 2006 where the end was a massive ass cop out.
Silver's master telepathically berates him for failing to find the traitor yet again, but seems to be somewhat understanding and is pretty polite about it. Dude, he failed to save the world from horrific devestation and essentially let billions of people die! You fail as a mentor! But who is he exactly? Why, he's Mammoth Mogul of course...Who the hell is that? I'm going to assume he's a major villain or something from the comic, but to HELL if I know.
Now, the comic is finally over. How does it stand up?
This comic is a hundred times worse than Lady Deadpool! If I got to erase one comic from existance, I would choose Sonic The Hedgehog #216 and from then on worship the works of Joe Quesada, which now look like Comic Book Masterpieces by comparison.
This comic is stupid, cliched, poorly written, and would be exactly the same if the title character was removed. I hated this more than shitty fan fiction and RoboCop 3 combined! I guess you've gotta expect shit like this when you consider it was published by Archie Comics, and you all remember the bashing I gave that bag of balls they dare call a company! YOU ARE EPIC FAIL SONIC THE HEDGEHOG #216! That is why I am only granting this Paper Puke a 7/10! This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.
FAIL!
There was once a little boy named Ned Coyle. From a very early age, he loved superheroes and monsters. Throughout the years he discovered the world of comic books, but was restricted by the News Agent's catalogue. Eventually he was finally able to go to a real comic book store and was finally able to buy an issue of this 'Madman' comic he heard so much about. Unfortunately Ned read several issues and soon discovered, much to his dismay, that Madman wasn't quite what he imagined, and that for every good comic book series, there will always be some tripe to counter it, turning him into the plastic sword waving nutjob you see before you.
Sonic the Hedgehog #216 is a perfect example of such tripe. Never before have I read a comic book so patronising, so mind numbingly stupid, that I had to explain my backstory to fully bring on the impact of how much I loathed it.
For those of you don't know, as in the ones of you who were born with cabbages instead of brains, Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most popular video game icons of all time. Originally created to compete with Nintendo's Mario and to replace SEGA's then current mascot 'Alex Kidd,' Sonic was about a blue hedgehog who could run really fast and fought an evil scientist shaped like an egg. Naturally the game was a smashing success that soon unleashed its pointy blue franchise upon the world, bringing us multiple cartoon shows, a straight to DVD movie, tons of other video games and yes, even comic books.
In recent years, Mario has finally beaten out Sonic as the worlds greatest video game icon due to a decrease in quality in Sonic's games, with his 06' title simple named 'Sonic the Hedgehog' being regarded as the worst game of the year. The new plans for another 2D Sonic game should bring back hope for the series. But we're not here to talk about the games, are we? This is a comic blog (usually).
The fact that this is issue 216 implies that SOMEONE is buying this series, and judging by the adds and lack of intense violence, I'm assuming its children. Now I do commend the series for being one of few comics still successfully appealing to kids, this particuler issue is unforgivable.
Let's talk about the cover. What a piece of sh*t. It's Sonic fighting with a cyborg Killer Whale. This is dumb on so many levels. First of all, Sonic can't swim! Water is infamously his Kryptonite, how can he be down there, letalone fight. Second, this fight dons't even happen in the comic, the characters never meet, that is false advertisement! Third, a Cyborg-Killer Whale? Whales are endangered! Your trying to suggest Dr. Eggman grabbed this whale and started prodding gears and wires into it? Why not just have him kick puppies and steal candy from babies while your at it?
Things start out with the fairly new character, Silver the Hedgehog, beating up on an older character, Rotor, a Walrus wearing a yellow power suit. Silver is looking for a traitor to the Freedom Fighters, an organisation of rebels towards the dominating Eggman. Why not look for some wolves, chameleons or snakes? You know they're all evil right? Rotor fights back but is unable to outfit Silver's psychic powers. If he's so psychic, why hasn't he found the traitor yet?
We move over to Sonic and the Arctic Freedom Fighters, which features a penguin, a polar bear and a seal. In a gang of rebels. A PENGUIN, A POLAR BEAR AND A SEAL.
Polar bears I can understand, but seals and peguins aren't intimidating! You could at least PRETEND you have some good ideas.
They have to destroy a tower belonging to Dr. Eggman, which is sending out a brainwashing signal that is controlling Rotor's herd. You see how original this plot is? Not very. Sonic and what I think are two foxes engages the raging Walruses...Walri, Walrusi, Wali...the Walrus herd, and the Freedom Fighters go underwater to infiltrate the tower. The underwater section is guarded by a horde of Killer Whales, but its fine the Penguin sums it up as 'What's so scary about Killer Whales?' How about this?
But I guess your right, Killer Whales are the ultimate pasnies of the ocean. Now, Penguins! They're bad ass!
Sonic and the Foxes do a good job of fighting the Wal...opposition, but Sonic is unable to lay a hand on Rotor's mother, instead opting to talk it out with her. How many times has this worked in fiction? I don't know, but it dosn't work here. Luckily the girl fox turns out to be a ninja and knocks the woman out while invisible.
Back down below, the Freedom Fighters curb stomp the Killer Whales. Now this I've really gotta shake my head at. They're Killer Whales! You are telling me that a penguin of all creatures can make a bad ass fighting machine, but all Killer Whales are wussies? I can understand the Polar Bear, but a FRIGGIN PENGUIN!?!?!?! Oh well, the cyborg whale shows up and beats the ever loving shit out of them. I guess cybernetics are good for you.
Before we continue, may I just ask one thing? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE GAMES?!
Silver, who is from a post apocolyptic future I might mention, and Rotor fly up to the Tower and blast it open and find a mind control device inside. Since Silver has telekenisis, the solution is obvious. But no, Silver dosn't think he can do that because his specialty is moving things around. Yeah, and throwing Sonic into the wall so he can't get up or move while he pounds crate after crate into his skull! F*ck you Sonic the Hedgehog 2006!
Rotor points out that if Eggman, a human without any powers could do it, aan actual telepath should definatley be able to do it. Yeah, except Eggman has an IQ of over 300, idiots.
So anyway, Silver uses the thingy and snaps ther herd out of it and knock out the Cyber-Whale, meaning that the cover lied and Sonic won't be fighting it...Well that was frickin' easy! Sonic contributed NOTHING to this issue!
Everyone goes over to a congratulatory dinner where they say congratulations and hammer away how great Rotor is. WE GET IT! They are also kind enough to mention that the psychic wave scared off the whales. Oh really? I was so confident that the penguin would take care of them. Oh, and just to make sure future writers on this book can't rehash this most brilliant ofstories, Silver mentions that thanks to him, the Walthings can never be brainwashed again. Well TV is gonna be pretty boring from now on.
And so the gang walks off celebrating and everything is fine and dandy. Thanks for nothing you Blue Freak. Oh, but wait! We've gotta get go back to the city of Idontknoworcare to meet back with the the women of Sonic, Sally, Amy, Bunny, Tails and Antoine. Okay, if you know much about Sonic, you'd know that Antoine and Tails aren't women...but they're close enough. Tails, Antoine and Bunny are just arriving back from a recent Mini-Series that Tails shamelessly plugs. You're a whore in the Furry Fandom, and your a shameless sellout! That Blue Weasel has corrupted the youth of the fox community! And then we get some set up for next time where Sally needs Bunny for a special mission...wow, that dosn't sound like it will involve Sonic at all...you have like three different Sonic comics out at the same time and he's not even the star of his own book! Has your career sunk so low Sonic?
Oh, but the fun STILL isn't over yet folks, some demonic entity possessed one of the writers and made an epilogue. GOOD! GOD! Just leave it you bastards! Silver returns to the future and meets an Echidna. I may mention that the Echidna's in Sonic the Hedgehog look more like spiky dogs. In fact, I wonder if the artists have ever seen an echidna in their lives.
He talks about how he hasn't discovered the traitor who will cause the end of the world, but is making progress. Good god I hope this is better than Sonic 2006 where the end was a massive ass cop out.Silver's master telepathically berates him for failing to find the traitor yet again, but seems to be somewhat understanding and is pretty polite about it. Dude, he failed to save the world from horrific devestation and essentially let billions of people die! You fail as a mentor! But who is he exactly? Why, he's Mammoth Mogul of course...Who the hell is that? I'm going to assume he's a major villain or something from the comic, but to HELL if I know.
Now, the comic is finally over. How does it stand up?
This comic is a hundred times worse than Lady Deadpool! If I got to erase one comic from existance, I would choose Sonic The Hedgehog #216 and from then on worship the works of Joe Quesada, which now look like Comic Book Masterpieces by comparison.This comic is stupid, cliched, poorly written, and would be exactly the same if the title character was removed. I hated this more than shitty fan fiction and RoboCop 3 combined! I guess you've gotta expect shit like this when you consider it was published by Archie Comics, and you all remember the bashing I gave that bag of balls they dare call a company! YOU ARE EPIC FAIL SONIC THE HEDGEHOG #216! That is why I am only granting this Paper Puke a 7/10! This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.
FAIL!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Villain Spotlight: Green Chronic Stoner Emo Ranger
When Captain Emohead formed the Emo Rangers, he developed their abilities based off of their own personal traits. John, a chronic stoner, was indowed, fittingly with the Green Chronic Stonger Emo Ranger powers. He was given the unique ability to blow his enemies away with Marijuana Smoke, and possessed the Bong Emozord.
Four years later, John had finally grown sick of constant head aches and decided to kick the habit. With this, he was granted the brand new Blue StraightxEdge Emo Ranger powers, giving him access to StraightxEdge Samurai Mode and a kickass new Samurai Emozord.
Unfortunately, the Evil Empress saw this as an oppertunity to do evulz. Taking the old Chronic Stoner armour, she brought to life a fearsome opponent representing everything John had put behind him. He also had the new ability to summon vines of marijuana.
John singlehandedly battled the Chronic Stoner, but when the Emozords came out, the battle was lost, forcing the others to join in and help with the use of the Emo Fight Bot. This proved to be a bit of an overkill, as the villain was swiftly defeated in one hit, too distracted with the munchies to fight back.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sideburns Speculates: Deadpool.
Yes, I'm back and I'm happy to say that Work Experience was very enjoyable. The people at the Adelaide Comic Centre are friendly, the work wasn't too hard, and I got a few free comics :D
So, now I've decided to give a few thoughts on a theory about Deadpool that popped into my head just the other day while waiting for the train.
I haven't read the earlier Deadpool issues, so this whole concept may very well fall flat on its head, and I apologise for that. If understand correctly, Deadpool used to have an arch-nemesis named T-Ray, who claimed to be the REAL Wade Wilson, whom Deadpool had stolen the identity of. After the storyline, it was still unclear if he was lying or not. This being Deadpool, it is usually accepted as canon that it depends on whoever is writing the book at the time.
Something that bothers me is Deadpool's Wolverine Publicity. Wolverine Publicity is when a character is freakishly overexposed to the media because they are popular, named after Wolverine who was intensely popular in the 90's, and even now. I actually rather like most of whats being churned out by Marvel regarding Deadpool, but I'm not here to discuss my feelings on that particuler subject. What I'm here to talk about is that Deadpool is in several different series at the same time, and its all treated as if it is in-canon.
The current Deadpool series has seen the Merc With A Mouth cause havoc in his quest to become a hero, meeting up with old friends, making a LOT of new enemies, and making everyones lives miserable to some degree (even his own ). So it just comes to some confusion that he is also in Deadpool Corps with several of his Alternate Universe clones trekking about the univserse, and that's after previously being stranded on an island full of dinosaurs and a universe full of zombies.
So I suddenly came to this conclusion out of nowhere, "T-Ray is also Deadpool!"
I don't know T-Ray's abilities (nor anything beyond the identity stuff), but lets just say after he stopped appearing (assuming he didn't die), he somehow gained Deadpool's healing factor and went a bit mad (madder?), coming to the conclusion that only Wade Wilson could be Deadpool, and to prove that, got his hands on the outfit and dubbed himself Deadpool. This would explain how he can be in two books in the same universe a time.
But then again, my extreme lack of knowledge regarding T-Ray, probably throws this out the window.
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