Sideburns Speculates: Everybody Hates Joe.

There is not a comic geek alive who dosn't know this man. Joe Quesada is responsible for some of the most controversial and negatively recieved decisions in the history of comics. For those of you who are uneducated in such matters, allow me to elaborate with some examples:

*Attempted to kill off Captain America permenantly (it didn't stick).

*Transformed Tony Stark into a jerkass who would gladly throw his best friends in prison.

*Killed Wasp, wife of Hank Pym, to make him more interesting. And by that, I mean turn him batshit insane, and not in the fun way.

*Used a badly written story to wipe out twenty years of beloved Spider-Man history just to get rid of his wife, Mary Jane, make his identity secret again, and because he felt that the character had gotten boring and that his marriage made the book too mature for us.

Yes, it is decisions like this that make people see Quesada as not the Editor in Chief of Marvel, but a satanic being bent on toppling the once great company from within.

The Spider-Man incident, One More Day, is the most infamous. Being one of the most popular superheroes of all time, fans were outraged that two decades worth of continuity woas just thrown out the window. One particuler criticism is that Spider-Man, whose entire character is based around facing responsibility, makes a deal with the Devil to make himself feel better! And ironically, the initial plan failed miserably. Sales went down, and Peter now had a prolific sex life. Yes Mr. Quesada, I can see how two one night stands in three issues is WAY more family friendly than a healthy marriage!

The recent stories, such as Gauntlet and Grim Hunt, have been praised as some of the best we've seen in years, leading some to actually think that Quesada's decision wasn't all that bad. These people are stupid. These awesome stories aren't the result of Quesada's master plan, they're apologies from the company for having to publish the insane ramblings of such a freaking hack!

Quesada refuses to take notice of any of our outcries and has decided that the fans need more One More Day and gave us the story One Moment in Time to explain the new continuity in regards to Peter and Mary Jane's break up. Dude, just leave it! We have gotten by by acting like it didn't happen and just trying to enjoy the stories, but no, you think that we just need to see more of it, to see how brilliant it actually is. You know what Mr. Quesada? We will never see the genius who keep hallucinating, because it isn't there. You are delusional and need to give your position in the company to someone else before you ruin the entire universe forever!

...Moving on.

But one problem he didn't have direct involvement was Rulk, AKA Red Hulk, created by Geof Johns. Rulk was THE new menace. He was stronger than Hulk, he was smarter than hulk, and above all, he was out for a goal that didn't bode well for humanity. It was exciting, and people were all wondering where this beast came from, especially after he killed longtime Hulk enemies Abomination, and General Thunderbolt Ross.

However, it soon became apparent that history was repeating itself, and, taking a cue from Clone Saga, Rulk's storyline kept on going...and going...and going, and going until people just didn't care any more. It was repeatedly hammered away how strong he was! He beat up everyone who crossed his path, even using Thor's signature weapon, the Hammer Mjolnir. This caused a bit of an uproar, because only those worthy in strength and soul may weild hero, like Thor or an insanely dedicated paramedic at one stage. However, it was justified by some in that this was in space without any gravity. Oh, and did I mention he actually managed to steal the Silver Surfer's board? What next? He's going to throw a Skrull Ship into Galactus and steal his helmet?

A few times to some of my friends, I jokingly mused that Rulk's identity was Quesada himself. How surprised were the fanbase when it turned out...It was Thunderbolt Ross!...Who...Rulk killed?

No, actually that was an illusion of some kind and Ross was the Jolly Red Giant the whole time. So obviously I was way off with that Quesada joke...

Or was I? They actually have a fair bit in common. Namely, they're both grumpy middle aged men in high seats of authority within their profession. Not only that, but both of them are going out of their way to utterly destroy characters that are beloved worldwide. Wow.

On a side note, I haven't read One Moment in Time yet, but I will soon. I was fully ready to do it when I sat down and realised, 'This is the sequel to One More Day. And I am about to read it.'

Also, my ranking comes off as incredibly harsh. I was not reading Spider-Man before that happened, nor have I even read One More Day. I recognise the princible, though. He really should quit while he's ahead. And by ahead I mean while people are still buying the books.

This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.

200 Views.

Yes, I have finally gotten 200 views. Over a hundred posts about radioactive mutants, transforming emo kids, reanimated corpses, many dudes in spandex, and enormous monsters. It's been quite a ride, hasn't it? Well there's a few people I'd like to thank.

First, my friend Robert/random_fan, who was one of very few people who actually left comments on my blog.

Another person who commented on my blog would be my sister Megan. She frequently visited my blog and told other people about it. Which brings me to some very special people.

The people at Internode. Only a week or two ago, my blog only had 160 views. In that time, you have given my blog about 40 views. Thank you, Internode geeks, I am glad I have provided this service to you. Or anyone in fact. Thank you for reading my blog instead of doing work.

And now so as to let you waste more time on my blog, here is some quick Geek Trivia.

GI Joe was originally a comic about Nick Fury leading an elite team of SHIELD agents. However, Marvel didn't like the idea and it never came to fruition. The man also worked for Hasbro at some stage and was a part of the team that were revamping the classic GI Joe toy line. He integrated the idea onto this blank slate and came up with a media icon.

Also, that means that Cobra Command is an Expy of HYDRA.

Mental Covers: Cyanide's my Pal.

The reason why remains unknown, but any time Mental and Cyanide are in the same room and are not beating the life out of each other is already bizarre. What could possibly make the two join forces?

Cyanide was another attempt at creating an arch enemy for Mental. Originally created for a fairly well done fight scene in my comic on Flickr, Cyanide was an alien blob who came to Earth to beat shit up, and was met by Captain Mental, my alter ego in this version. I manage to rip his head off, but the slime forms a mutating suit on my body and turns me into his second form. Imagine a full body hoodie with tentacles for arms and large teeth sticking out of the hood. Eventually the old Cyanide shows up again, having regained his old head, and is killed and absorbed by my suit, creating an unstoppable monolithic beast (pictured). It takes a retelling of The Devil Went Down To Georgia (and a falling plane) to remove the suit.

Cyanide's design in my drawings has slowly changed over time, and probably not for the better. Originally his head was much more humanoid in shape and was generally just drawn more intimidating.
Though still probably Mental's strongest opponent, I don't think I could bring him back enough to make him into the arch villain.

And yes, he is inspired by Venom.

Rob Liefeld Zeo

WHY!

Coyle Command

Wow, it would seem that some psycho on Facebook has started a ruthless criminal organisation determined to rule the world. Heh, how about that.



The egotistical and thoroughly bonkers Coyle Commander seems pretty damn determined to recruit as many people as possible for his plans for domination over the world. Well I can't say I support him, I've already accepted a future ruled by Dr. Steel or the Nostalgia Critic.


If you're curious, or even want to join theis nutjob, check him out here.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=152900714729615&ref=mf't

Sonic the Hedgehog #216 Review

The Worlds most way past crap comic!

There was once a little boy named Ned Coyle. From a very early age, he loved superheroes and monsters. Throughout the years he discovered the world of comic books, but was restricted by the News Agent's catalogue. Eventually he was finally able to go to a real comic book store and was finally able to buy an issue of this 'Madman' comic he heard so much about. Unfortunately Ned read several issues and soon discovered, much to his dismay, that Madman wasn't quite what he imagined, and that for every good comic book series, there will always be some tripe to counter it, turning him into the plastic sword waving nutjob you see before you.

Sonic the Hedgehog #216 is a perfect example of such tripe. Never before have I read a comic book so patronising, so mind numbingly stupid, that I had to explain my backstory to fully bring on the impact of how much I loathed it.

For those of you don't know, as in the ones of you who were born with cabbages instead of brains, Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most popular video game icons of all time. Originally created to compete with Nintendo's Mario and to replace SEGA's then current mascot 'Alex Kidd,' Sonic was about a blue hedgehog who could run really fast and fought an evil scientist shaped like an egg. Naturally the game was a smashing success that soon unleashed its pointy blue franchise upon the world, bringing us multiple cartoon shows, a straight to DVD movie, tons of other video games and yes, even comic books.

In recent years, Mario has finally beaten out Sonic as the worlds greatest video game icon due to a decrease in quality in Sonic's games, with his 06' title simple named 'Sonic the Hedgehog' being regarded as the worst game of the year. The new plans for another 2D Sonic game should bring back hope for the series. But we're not here to talk about the games, are we? This is a comic blog (usually).

The fact that this is issue 216 implies that SOMEONE is buying this series, and judging by the adds and lack of intense violence, I'm assuming its children. Now I do commend the series for being one of few comics still successfully appealing to kids, this particuler issue is unforgivable.

Let's talk about the cover. What a piece of sh*t. It's Sonic fighting with a cyborg Killer Whale. This is dumb on so many levels. First of all, Sonic can't swim! Water is infamously his Kryptonite, how can he be down there, letalone fight. Second, this fight dons't even happen in the comic, the characters never meet, that is false advertisement! Third, a Cyborg-Killer Whale? Whales are endangered! Your trying to suggest Dr. Eggman grabbed this whale and started prodding gears and wires into it? Why not just have him kick puppies and steal candy from babies while your at it?

Things start out with the fairly new character, Silver the Hedgehog, beating up on an older character, Rotor, a Walrus wearing a yellow power suit. Silver is looking for a traitor to the Freedom Fighters, an organisation of rebels towards the dominating Eggman. Why not look for some wolves, chameleons or snakes? You know they're all evil right? Rotor fights back but is unable to outfit Silver's psychic powers. If he's so psychic, why hasn't he found the traitor yet?

We move over to Sonic and the Arctic Freedom Fighters, which features a penguin, a polar bear and a seal. In a gang of rebels. A PENGUIN, A POLAR BEAR AND A SEAL.

Polar bears I can understand, but seals and peguins aren't intimidating! You could at least PRETEND you have some good ideas.

They have to destroy a tower belonging to Dr. Eggman, which is sending out a brainwashing signal that is controlling Rotor's herd. You see how original this plot is? Not very. Sonic and what I think are two foxes engages the raging Walruses...Walri, Walrusi, Wali...the Walrus herd, and the Freedom Fighters go underwater to infiltrate the tower. The underwater section is guarded by a horde of Killer Whales, but its fine the Penguin sums it up as 'What's so scary about Killer Whales?' How about this?

But I guess your right, Killer Whales are the ultimate pasnies of the ocean. Now, Penguins! They're bad ass!

Sonic and the Foxes do a good job of fighting the Wal...opposition, but Sonic is unable to lay a hand on Rotor's mother, instead opting to talk it out with her. How many times has this worked in fiction? I don't know, but it dosn't work here. Luckily the girl fox turns out to be a ninja and knocks the woman out while invisible.

Back down below, the Freedom Fighters curb stomp the Killer Whales. Now this I've really gotta shake my head at. They're Killer Whales! You are telling me that a penguin of all creatures can make a bad ass fighting machine, but all Killer Whales are wussies? I can understand the Polar Bear, but a FRIGGIN PENGUIN!?!?!?! Oh well, the cyborg whale shows up and beats the ever loving shit out of them. I guess cybernetics are good for you.

Before we continue, may I just ask one thing? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE GAMES?!

Silver, who is from a post apocolyptic future I might mention, and Rotor fly up to the Tower and blast it open and find a mind control device inside. Since Silver has telekenisis, the solution is obvious. But no, Silver dosn't think he can do that because his specialty is moving things around. Yeah, and throwing Sonic into the wall so he can't get up or move while he pounds crate after crate into his skull! F*ck you Sonic the Hedgehog 2006!
Rotor points out that if Eggman, a human without any powers could do it, aan actual telepath should definatley be able to do it. Yeah, except Eggman has an IQ of over 300, idiots.

So anyway, Silver uses the thingy and snaps ther herd out of it and knock out the Cyber-Whale, meaning that the cover lied and Sonic won't be fighting it...Well that was frickin' easy! Sonic contributed NOTHING to this issue!

Everyone goes over to a congratulatory dinner where they say congratulations and hammer away how great Rotor is. WE GET IT! They are also kind enough to mention that the psychic wave scared off the whales. Oh really? I was so confident that the penguin would take care of them. Oh, and just to make sure future writers on this book can't rehash this most brilliant ofstories, Silver mentions that thanks to him, the Walthings can never be brainwashed again. Well TV is gonna be pretty boring from now on.

And so the gang walks off celebrating and everything is fine and dandy. Thanks for nothing you Blue Freak. Oh, but wait! We've gotta get go back to the city of Idontknoworcare to meet back with the the women of Sonic, Sally, Amy, Bunny, Tails and Antoine. Okay, if you know much about Sonic, you'd know that Antoine and Tails aren't women...but they're close enough. Tails, Antoine and Bunny are just arriving back from a recent Mini-Series that Tails shamelessly plugs. You're a whore in the Furry Fandom, and your a shameless sellout! That Blue Weasel has corrupted the youth of the fox community! And then we get some set up for next time where Sally needs Bunny for a special mission...wow, that dosn't sound like it will involve Sonic at all...you have like three different Sonic comics out at the same time and he's not even the star of his own book! Has your career sunk so low Sonic?

Oh, but the fun STILL isn't over yet folks, some demonic entity possessed one of the writers and made an epilogue. GOOD! GOD! Just leave it you bastards! Silver returns to the future and meets an Echidna. I may mention that the Echidna's in Sonic the Hedgehog look more like spiky dogs. In fact, I wonder if the artists have ever seen an echidna in their lives. He talks about how he hasn't discovered the traitor who will cause the end of the world, but is making progress. Good god I hope this is better than Sonic 2006 where the end was a massive ass cop out.

Silver's master telepathically berates him for failing to find the traitor yet again, but seems to be somewhat understanding and is pretty polite about it. Dude, he failed to save the world from horrific devestation and essentially let billions of people die! You fail as a mentor! But who is he exactly? Why, he's Mammoth Mogul of course...Who the hell is that? I'm going to assume he's a major villain or something from the comic, but to HELL if I know.

Now, the comic is finally over. How does it stand up? This comic is a hundred times worse than Lady Deadpool! If I got to erase one comic from existance, I would choose Sonic The Hedgehog #216 and from then on worship the works of Joe Quesada, which now look like Comic Book Masterpieces by comparison.

This comic is stupid, cliched, poorly written, and would be exactly the same if the title character was removed. I hated this more than shitty fan fiction and RoboCop 3 combined! I guess you've gotta expect shit like this when you consider it was published by Archie Comics, and you all remember the bashing I gave that bag of balls they dare call a company! YOU ARE EPIC FAIL SONIC THE HEDGEHOG #216! That is why I am only granting this Paper Puke a 7/10! This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.








FAIL!

Villain Spotlight: Green Chronic Stoner Emo Ranger

When Captain Emohead formed the Emo Rangers, he developed their abilities based off of their own personal traits. John, a chronic stoner, was indowed, fittingly with the Green Chronic Stonger Emo Ranger powers. He was given the unique ability to blow his enemies away with Marijuana Smoke, and possessed the Bong Emozord.

Four years later, John had finally grown sick of constant head aches and decided to kick the habit. With this, he was granted the brand new Blue StraightxEdge Emo Ranger powers, giving him access to StraightxEdge Samurai Mode and a kickass new Samurai Emozord.

Unfortunately, the Evil Empress saw this as an oppertunity to do evulz. Taking the old Chronic Stoner armour, she brought to life a fearsome opponent representing everything John had put behind him. He also had the new ability to summon vines of marijuana.

John singlehandedly battled the Chronic Stoner, but when the Emozords came out, the battle was lost, forcing the others to join in and help with the use of the Emo Fight Bot. This proved to be a bit of an overkill, as the villain was swiftly defeated in one hit, too distracted with the munchies to fight back.