Comics WTF

Oh hai thar everyone! I bet you thought I was dead, but no, I have just lacked motivation., However, my latest visit to the Comic Store has brought upon some good ol' Nerd Rage.


You may remember my talk about Youngblood and how it was recently revived into a fun, if somewhat slow paced series full of likeable characters and good artwork. Unfortunately this revival only lasted nine issues for whatever reason. Sad, considering it was almost at the climax of the current storyline. I recently bought the ninth issue.

What. The. Hell?!

I am now officially happy the series got canned. If it was still going now, I'd have no reason to be buying it.
In Issue 8 we learn that our current Big Bad, a former alien superhero, had returned to Earth and shit is going to go down. It also featured a backup story, obviously intended to be ongoing or in multiple parts, featuring Barack Obama organising the newest incarnation of Youngblood, made up of Shaft, Vogue, Badrock, Diehard, Photon, Big Brother and Vogdue, and written and drawn by the man himself, Rob Liefeld. Issue nine is devoted entirely to this setup! And it wasn't even good in its own right!

You can't do that! They even try to say this fits into what we were doing before, but it dosn't. The team had a completely different roster, they were on the run from the law, hell was about to break loose, they had their own TV show, Badrock was a crumbling mess in hospital and they were currently replaced by an entirely new team of Youngblood!

So, how do they explain the massive change? Why, they breifly, in passing, explain that Badrock's condition was due to that being his mutated version of puberty. Then what the f*ck happened to Doc Rocket? The TV show? Why hasn't Giger and the alien guy attacked? Where the hell did 'Cybernet' come from? Liefeld, I don't actually mind your art, but this is just pathetic! You took this fun, new and awesome Youngblood and turned into...classic Youngblood.

Oh, but we ain't done here folks. Because we still have a back up story! It is also about Barack Obama working with a superhero. I have no idea who, nor do I care.
The series is technically not cancelled, but rather no issues have been made since 09'. Well I don't give a damn! The fun and slap happy Youngblood is as dead as Batman's parents.

Next on the agenda is Shep-Hulks Issue 4.

I was more than happy to pick up the latest issue of She-Hulks, which I have explained my enjoyment of in previous posts. I was quite infuirated today to learn, out of nowhere that it is actually a Four Issue Mini-Series!

The comic is clearly designed to be an ongoing title! If it were a Limited Series, it'd be titled 'She-Hulks: Man Hunt,' instead of that being the title of the storyline! And I actually made a point to check and this is the first mention of limited series on any of the issues! Seriously, this is the first time on any of them that features the phrase 'Limited Series' on the cover or any indication that there is supposed to only be four issues!

What? Were they halfway through writing the fifth issue when Quesada realised how fun the series was and decided he needed to do something? I am seriously pissed about this, I was looking forward to seeing the She-Hulks each month and now I'm obviously going to have other Hulk series. I do not wish to buy these serie as they do not interest me; what interests me is Jen Walters and Lyra kicking ass with occassional appearances by The Hulk and making The Wizard seem awesome.

Fortunately, that seems to be it. I did consider telling you of my frustration on there being WAAAAY too many X-Men books out at the moment and giving the ultimate example of comics alienating new audiences, but I didn't actually end up buying any of them, so it's somewhat irrelevant.

Crowning Moment of Awesome: Amazing Spider-Man #644

Never before have I ever even considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome and a dead baby to be part of the same situation, but life if full of surprises.

In the latest storyline, Origin of the Species, Doc Ock, being a mad scientist, has discovered a genetic gold mine in a newborn baby, who was born of Menace, Harry Osborne's former lover who was forcefully mutated into a Goblin, and Norman Osborne, Harry's Complete Monster father and Green Goblin. After the child is born, Spidey has to keep it safe from almost every villain in his Rogues Gallery, all hired by Ock to capture it, from big names like Sandman, to small timers like Freak.

Spidey is also mistaken for a kidnapper and is hunted by the police as he desperately tries to find a hospital. As Vulture and Freak close in, Spidey sees Harry, who offers to take the child to the hospital while Spider-Man flees with a decoy. It works, but Harry doesn't move during the fight. Why? Because the child is dead. He couldn't handle the excitement of the chaos around him, and despite his best efforts, Spider-Man has yet again lost something. He vows to stop Ock and swings off into the distance, leaving Harry to mourn his illigitimate brother.

Once the Spider is out of sight, Harry removes his face, revealing himself to be Chameleon, cradling the perfectly fine baby in his arm.

This is a genuine CmoA for the book because my jaw literally dropped when Chameleon revealed himself. The series has recently been kind of shocking, having had the Lizard devour Dr. Connor's son, and the brutal rampage of the Kravinoff family. I was very upset to hear that the child didn't make it. Not that being in the hands of the Chameleon is much better, but I genuinely did not see it coming.

And when you consider that this is the story continuing from One Moment in Time (One Moment in Stupid, more like it ), this is especially impressive, and shows us that Spider-Man is a real superhero. Even with the titanic might of oppression that is Joe Quesada hammering down on the series, Spider-Man remains one of the best books I've read.

One Moment in Time: My Thoughts.

I've already been on a tangent in regards to Quesada, so I'll focus on the actual book this time (and by extension, Quesada).

One Moment in Time is an unusual thing. You know how you may play a video game, when suddenly it glitches, causing something that shouldn't happen or exist, like getting stuck in a wall or an enemy turning inside out? Imagine four issues of a comic book like that.

Reading it, I didn't actually have a problem with what I was reading that much. However, there was not one second that I was unaware of what this abomination was.

One aspect of the comic is that the writers 'cleverly' mixed in pages from the issues from the actual Spider-Man wedding issues. This is actually a clever idea, but then it just becomes depressing when you realise that this moment in comic book history is being twisted into the incorrect and warped stage we have now. That seems downright antagonistic towards the fans! It's like "Here's that Teddy Bear you loved when you were little. Now here's a pipe bomb. Guess what happens next!"

Mary Jane comes across as subtley antagonistic considering that she's the one to break off the relationship after Peter goes missing on the wedding night. That's understandable, but Quesada's intention is clearly to paint the image that she's the bad guy and we should stop wanting her and Peter to get back togethor. Well sorry Joe, this is one Mary Jane fan you can't just buff off.

There's also some intense irony in that the story is displayed as a series of flashbacks between Mary Jane and Peter. Almost the whole time Peter is requesting that they stop, but MJ keeps saying that it'll clear things up. There is no way this wasn't intentional.

Of course the absolute worst thing about this story is that Mr. Q actually thought it would be a good idea to continue the infamous One More Day storyline (Considering how much it flopped, it's just mind boggling), but it is seconded by the fact that it could have easily been a mere two issues, but he somehow in his head felt that we needed twice that!

The second issue's flashback ends with Peter and Mary Jane deciding that they won't get married, but they will go out. Really. I have a lot of trouble believing that it was necessary to use up four issues to say 'It was exactly the same except there was no marriage.' But what really grates me is how they handle erasing Spider-Man's secret identity. Here's my opinion: You didn't need to.

Mephisto changed history, you could have easily said that by doing that, he never chose to reveal his identity and avoid this whole thing. But no, you wanted us to read four issues of your crap!

Okay, but I will admit there were some okay things involved. They do not help the comic in any way, but I honestly don't think anything could.

1 Quesada has proven that even though he has the brain of a single celled organism (A dumb on) his art is surprisingly bearable. I say bearable and not good because in a few panels you'll notice him getting sloppy.

2 Issue 3 has a funny moment where Peter uses his secret identity to get a nurse to keep an eye on Aunt May.

3 Issue has one of the awesomest letters column I have ever seen in the series, if only it suggests that Stan Lee viciously attacked the editor and took over. That was hilarious.

4 Every issue had a part of Stan Lee's two page spread Amazing Spider-Man issue. Having read a few issues of Stan Lee's run, I can say that the artwork really helps evoke that feeling, so if you were a fan of that era, you might want to check this out. My favorite thing about the series are the two main antagonists, a mad genius named Brain, and his stupid henchmen named Bull. They aren't very interesting characters, but they instantly become hilarious if you start reading their dialogue with Pinky and the Brain in mind.

So, just to recap, Quesada should get a new job, Spider-Man is a good character, and I like Stan Lee...ONE MOMENT IN TIME SUCKS! 1/10 stars!

Sideburns Speculates: Everybody Hates Joe.

There is not a comic geek alive who dosn't know this man. Joe Quesada is responsible for some of the most controversial and negatively recieved decisions in the history of comics. For those of you who are uneducated in such matters, allow me to elaborate with some examples:

*Attempted to kill off Captain America permenantly (it didn't stick).

*Transformed Tony Stark into a jerkass who would gladly throw his best friends in prison.

*Killed Wasp, wife of Hank Pym, to make him more interesting. And by that, I mean turn him batshit insane, and not in the fun way.

*Used a badly written story to wipe out twenty years of beloved Spider-Man history just to get rid of his wife, Mary Jane, make his identity secret again, and because he felt that the character had gotten boring and that his marriage made the book too mature for us.

Yes, it is decisions like this that make people see Quesada as not the Editor in Chief of Marvel, but a satanic being bent on toppling the once great company from within.

The Spider-Man incident, One More Day, is the most infamous. Being one of the most popular superheroes of all time, fans were outraged that two decades worth of continuity woas just thrown out the window. One particuler criticism is that Spider-Man, whose entire character is based around facing responsibility, makes a deal with the Devil to make himself feel better! And ironically, the initial plan failed miserably. Sales went down, and Peter now had a prolific sex life. Yes Mr. Quesada, I can see how two one night stands in three issues is WAY more family friendly than a healthy marriage!

The recent stories, such as Gauntlet and Grim Hunt, have been praised as some of the best we've seen in years, leading some to actually think that Quesada's decision wasn't all that bad. These people are stupid. These awesome stories aren't the result of Quesada's master plan, they're apologies from the company for having to publish the insane ramblings of such a freaking hack!

Quesada refuses to take notice of any of our outcries and has decided that the fans need more One More Day and gave us the story One Moment in Time to explain the new continuity in regards to Peter and Mary Jane's break up. Dude, just leave it! We have gotten by by acting like it didn't happen and just trying to enjoy the stories, but no, you think that we just need to see more of it, to see how brilliant it actually is. You know what Mr. Quesada? We will never see the genius who keep hallucinating, because it isn't there. You are delusional and need to give your position in the company to someone else before you ruin the entire universe forever!

...Moving on.

But one problem he didn't have direct involvement was Rulk, AKA Red Hulk, created by Geof Johns. Rulk was THE new menace. He was stronger than Hulk, he was smarter than hulk, and above all, he was out for a goal that didn't bode well for humanity. It was exciting, and people were all wondering where this beast came from, especially after he killed longtime Hulk enemies Abomination, and General Thunderbolt Ross.

However, it soon became apparent that history was repeating itself, and, taking a cue from Clone Saga, Rulk's storyline kept on going...and going...and going, and going until people just didn't care any more. It was repeatedly hammered away how strong he was! He beat up everyone who crossed his path, even using Thor's signature weapon, the Hammer Mjolnir. This caused a bit of an uproar, because only those worthy in strength and soul may weild hero, like Thor or an insanely dedicated paramedic at one stage. However, it was justified by some in that this was in space without any gravity. Oh, and did I mention he actually managed to steal the Silver Surfer's board? What next? He's going to throw a Skrull Ship into Galactus and steal his helmet?

A few times to some of my friends, I jokingly mused that Rulk's identity was Quesada himself. How surprised were the fanbase when it turned out...It was Thunderbolt Ross!...Who...Rulk killed?

No, actually that was an illusion of some kind and Ross was the Jolly Red Giant the whole time. So obviously I was way off with that Quesada joke...

Or was I? They actually have a fair bit in common. Namely, they're both grumpy middle aged men in high seats of authority within their profession. Not only that, but both of them are going out of their way to utterly destroy characters that are beloved worldwide. Wow.

On a side note, I haven't read One Moment in Time yet, but I will soon. I was fully ready to do it when I sat down and realised, 'This is the sequel to One More Day. And I am about to read it.'

Also, my ranking comes off as incredibly harsh. I was not reading Spider-Man before that happened, nor have I even read One More Day. I recognise the princible, though. He really should quit while he's ahead. And by ahead I mean while people are still buying the books.

This is ThatKidWithTheSideburns, sideburning off.